[058] “You can’t eat beauty”

I haven’t yet seen the film 12 Years A Slave. And I missed the presentation of the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress. So, while I had heard of Lupita Nyong’o, I had not heard her speak… until last night, when the news show I was only half listening to played this 5-minute clip in its entirety. The music in her voice caught my attention. The power of her words had me bolted to the floor. I cheered at the end. You will too.

I’m going to share this with every young girl I know, of every age. I hope you will, too. Lupita began to conquer her self-doubts when she suddenly had a role model to look up to. And that allowed her to finally trust what her mother had always told her. You are beautiful. This truth is universal – its relevance transcends gender and race. This is the same magic at work when openly gay men and women in professional sports step into the spotlight, as we are beginning to see. They are heroes to millions of young (and not so young) girls and boys the world over. Because they let us finally understand that we are not alone… that the part of us we’ve been taught to hate is actually something good and powerful and celebrated. Here’s to the trailblazers, the role models: Alek Wek, Ellen, Jackie Robinson, Billie Jean King, Michael Sam, Hillary Clinton, Barack and Michelle Obama… and now Lupita Nyong’o. What an extraordinary young woman! Brava!

Here is the transcript of Lupita’s remarks. You can’t eat beauty, but you can read it:


Lupita Nyongo

I received a letter from a girl and I’d like to share just a small part of it with you: “Dear Lupita,” it reads, “I think you’re really lucky to be this Black but yet this successful in Hollywood overnight. I was just about to buy Dencia’s Whitenicious cream to lighten my skin when you appeared on the world map and saved me.” 

My heart bled a little when I read those words. I could never have guessed that my first job out of school would be so powerful in and of itself and that it would propel me to be such an image of hope in the same way that the women of The Color Purple were to me.

I remember a time when I too felt unbeautiful. I put on the TV and only saw pale skin, I got teased and taunted about my night-shaded skin. And my one prayer to God, the miracle worker, was that I would wake up lighter-skinned. The morning would come and I would be so excited about seeing my new skin that I would refuse to look down at myself until I was in front of a mirror because I wanted to see my fair face first. And every day I experienced the same disappointment of being just as dark as I had been the day before. I tried to negotiate with God: I told him I would stop stealing sugar cubes at night if he gave me what I wanted; I would listen to my mother’s every word and never lose my school sweater again if he just made me a little lighter. But I guess God was unimpressed with my bargaining chips because He never listened.

And when I was a teenager my self-hate grew worse, as you can imagine happens with adolescence. My mother reminded me often that she thought that I was beautiful but that was no consolation: She’s my mother, of course she’s supposed to think I am beautiful. And then Alek Wek came on the international scene. A celebrated model, she was dark as night, she was on all of the runways and in every magazine and everyone was talking about how beautiful she was. Even Oprah called her beautiful and that made it a fact. I couldn’t believe that people were embracing a woman who looked so much like me as beautiful.

Alek Wek Role Model

Alek Wek
Role Model

My complexion had always been an obstacle to overcome and all of a sudden, Oprah was telling me it wasn’t. It was perplexing and I wanted to reject it because I had begun to enjoy the seduction of inadequacy.

But a flower couldn’t help but bloom inside of me. When I saw Alek I inadvertently saw a reflection of myself that I could not deny. Now, I had a spring in my step because I felt more seen, more appreciated by the far away gatekeepers of beauty, but around me the preference for light skin prevailed. To the beholders that I thought mattered, I was still unbeautiful. And my mother again would say to me, “You can’t eat beauty. It doesn’t feed you.” And these words plagued and bothered me; I didn’t really understand them until finally I realized that beauty was not a thing that I could acquire or consume, it was something that I just had to be.

And what my mother meant when she said you can’t eat beauty was that you can’t rely on how you look to sustain you. What is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and for those around you. That kind of beauty enflames the heart and enchants the soul. It is what got Patsey in so much trouble with her master, but it is also what has kept her story alive to this day. We remember the beauty of her spirit even after the beauty of her body has faded away.

And so I hope that my presence on your screens and in the magazines may lead you, young girl, on a similar journey. That you will feel the validation of your external beauty but also get to the deeper business of being beautiful inside. There is no shade to that beauty.

Love conquers all… but only once we learn to love ourselves.
Day 058 #100happydays

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