AARPuhleeeeze!

Surely there has been some mistake…

Today’s mail brought a fat envelope containing “Your New Card!” I opened it and stared at my new AARP membership card. I believe it’s calledΒ “blinking disbelief”. Or, as my friend M-R down Sydney way would say, “Fuck me dead! This is appalling!”

AARP-1

AARP is the American Association of Retired Persons. Or, it used to be. Now they are just AARP. Pronounced “ARP”. (In Boston, it’s “AAAHP”.) No matter what they call themselves, everyone knows that AARP is the club for senior citizens who crave discounts and early-bird specials. “Milkheads” as my friend Jenn has called them since we were kids. The card should be delivered on a lace doily. With complimentary samples of Metamucil and Viagra. And a reminder to turn off the left-turn signal… and step on the f@ck!ng gas!

Just to set the record straight:

I did not enroll.

I am not retired. (Underemployed, but not retired.)

I don’t want to dine at 4:30pm. Cocktails still run to 8 o’clock.

I am deeply in denial that my age begins with a 5.

I am clinging to the marketing age group that still lumps me in with the 40-somethings.

I have nothing against old people. Some of my best friends are old people. Some of them are older than dirt. (And you know who you are.) (I hope.)

But. I. am. not. there. yet.

AARP-2

That felt good. Thanks for listening. If you took offense, please get out your quill and leave a comment. I’ll go look forΒ my spectacles.

The End

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30 comments

  1. I nearly bust my gut at the M-R quote! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    Well, on the positive side … AARP doesn’t sound nearly as bad as the Canadian equivalent … CARP. Although it is an organization intended for the 50+ crowd, I’m not ready to be lumped into a category that implies big, fat, oily fish πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Joanne, you probably would’ve known who said that even if I hadn’t identified her. Actual quote! πŸ™‚ If M-R didn’t exist, we’d have to invent her, eh? And no, you don’t need CARP — you’ve got bigger fish to fry. Solidarity!

      Like

  2. Oh how funny. You sound like my husband. We went to one of these evil eat-too-much-buffet places and they gave him automatically a senior citizen discount. I almost wet myself. He didn’t find it funny at all…what amused me even more. He went on and on about it. Too funny…until it will happen to me. Then it won’t be funny anymore πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. clearly an assumption by AARP since you once lived in (collective) Palm Springs and it’s in your profile…God’s Waiting Room, ya know? Surely by now, you MUST qualify! Chill. It will go away.

    Like

    1. God’s waiting room… Satan’s playground… the desert gets a bad rap: Gay, Gray & Jose! On the plus side, I do feel a bit younger in Palm Springs than I do in LA! It must be the dry heat.

      Like

  4. hahahaha. Great fun your rant – about being 5something. I do get it.

    But I am indeed a member of the “old people” club now (how much older than you am I?). I like discounts, I like gaming the system by being middle-aged.

    After all, I am finding there are no advantages to being in my 5somethings. I had great plans for this middle decade but instead I have cancer, menopause, aches and pains, and I have become mentally incompetent. The least I could have is some cheap food before I fall asleep at 8!

    Love you Steve! Make art not war. ty

    Like

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