CPAC, Run! Run, America, Run!
CPAC = Conservative Political Action Committee
Today is the opening of their 2014 clusterfuck…
Calling all teabaggers, gun-huggers, nutters, foxholes and assorted loons.
Are you ready? Let’s play CPAC bingo!!
These nattering nincompoops of nuttery are all on the official speakers schedule at CPAC this year. How many feces – er, that is, faces… can you match to their names?
Sarah Palin – the former half-governor of Alaska… Bobby Jindal – Governor of Louisiana whose GOP rebuttal to the 2009 State of the Union was a smiley-faced disaster; also the guy who wants “creationism” taught in science classes while urging Republicans to “stop saying stupid things” (good luck with that, guv)… Carly Fiorina – failed CEO of HP, failed Senate candidate, failed face lift… Reince Preibus – Chairman of the Republican National Committee, born without a chin, or any discernible charm… Jim DeMint – ex-Senator from South Carolina who quit to become president of the Heritage Foundation, which he converted from conservative think tank to Tea Party rubber stamp… Sen. Tim Scott – plucked from the House of Representatives by SC Governor Nikki Haley to fill Jim DeMint’s abandoned seat in the Senate – begging the question: Will he realize that he is black before the Tea Party does?… John Bolton – the circa Reagan/Bush neocon liar with the moustache that looks like he sniffs Clorox… Ann Coulter – a waste of human skin… Sen. Rand Paul – son of perennial presidential candidate Ron Paul and serial plagiarist… Grover Norquist – the “no taxes” pledge guy whose Tea Party pals are confused by his marriage to a Muslim woman… Newt Gingrich – disgraced ex-Speaker of the House whose outsized ego is unsupported by any evidence of actual greatness, offers his expert opinion on the sanctity of marriage having divorced two ex-wives and currently married to… Callista Gingrich – whose glassy-eyed stare and helmet hair would cause a stampede of frightened Stepford wives… Chris Christie – the morbidly obese, current (?) Governor of New Jersey, studier of traffic, and ex-front runner for the 2016 GOP nomination… Donald Trump – waste of human (?) hair… Mike Huckabee – ex-governor of Arkansas, serial candidate and/or “pastor”, told by Jesus to gain back all the weight (and gave Chris Christie the liquified doughnut recipe)… Phyllis Schlafly – is she still alive?! or is that a shrunken apple head?… Rick Santorum – Google “santorum”, go ahead; failed ex-Senator from Pennsylvania, recurring presidential candidate with prehistoric social ideas and, truly, the scariest looking family in politics… Rick Perry – the soon-to-be-ex-governor of Texas who showed himself to be all hat and no horse in the 2012 primaries; he is back now, equipped with eyeglass frames that someone thinks will make him appear more intelligent
than a bag of hair… Sen. Rafael Eduardo “Ted” Cruz – a Cuban-Canadian anchor baby whose only apparent goal is his own self-aggrandizement; a source of constant agita to the Republican establishment, and constant amusement to Democrats who enjoy watching Cruz attack the GOP like a walking, talking flesh-eating virus… Sen. Marco Rubio – who Time magazine once heralded as “The Republican Savior” (– and no, Time, you cannot have that cover back), that was before the 2013 State of the Union rebuttal disaster that made everyone forget about Bobby Jindal’s earlier SOTU rebuttal disaster. Well, actually, it made everyone remember Jindal, but then immediately forget about Jindal and agree that Rubio’s parched performance was worse… Rep. Paul Ryan – failed Romney running mate in 2012 and former GOP budget golden boy; he works out a lot, and does this thing with his mouth that makes it look like he forgot his dentures… Christine O’Donnell – failed ex-witch and Senate candidate from Delaware… Oliver North – (Because derp?)… and Wayne LaPierre – mouthpiece for the National Rifle Association, main sponsor of CPAC, and the man whom history will record as the worst mass murderer in American history for his sabotage of gun control legislation.
There’s the passenger list for the 2014 GOP clown car. There are some notable names missing here, but I’ll check back and update as more of the GOP/Tea Party faithful step into this unkind spotlight.
Extra Credit Bonus Question
Use the word “Benghazi” as a noun, a verb and an adjective. In the same sentence.
No, it doesn’t have to make sense. They never do.