Chelsea Clinton to name her baby Benghazi as an SEO prank on conservatives.
— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) April 18, 2014
Because this blog enjoys a global audience – and you know who you are – not everyone who will see this post is subject to the daily onslaught of American tv commercials for pharmaceuticals. Unless this is a worldwide phenomenon?
What I do know is this: if an advanced alien civilization is monitoring our broadcasts, they should be forgiven for thinking that the greatest threat facing the human species is erectile dysfunction. Or that our happiness is being destroyed by an evil flaccid little man named ‘ED’. (The aliens may also be hopelessly addicted to Scandal… but that’s another post.)
As a public service, then, here is a tv commercial for Cialis, a prescription medication which treats the dreaded erectile dysfunction. (Americans see this commercial approximately 17 times per hour of tv watched.)
Now, 2014 being an important year in American electoral politics, campaign commercials are beginning to crowd out even the pharmaceutical pitches. (If only there were a drug that could shrink inflamed politicians…) Every one of the 435 members of the House of Representatives is up for re-election in November, as they are every two years. (Which founding father thought that was a good idea?) This includes the current Speaker of the House, Mr John Boehner, Republican from Ohio’s 8th District.
The Speaker of the House of Representatives is a vastly powerful position exercising singlehanded control over what comes up for a vote in the House; and s/he who holds the Speaker’s gavel is second in line of succession to the presidency after the Vice President. It’s a big deal. And when your little Congressional district is represented by a member of Congress who also happens to be the sitting Speaker of the House, your district tends to re-elect him or her. Otherwise, you’d be trading in your Very Extremely Powerful Representative for a low-man-on-the-totem-pole pipsqueak. In fact, the sitting Speaker has only been defeated for re-election twice in our history. So, the opposition party will put up a brave-but-doomed candidate as cannon fodder. But I don’t know that a Speaker has ever been challenged by a member of his own party in a primary.
That is exactly what John Boehner is facing in OH-8. Of course, he is expected to win the primary and go on to win in the general election in November. But to be challenged in a Republican primary is just a slap in the face. Who would do such a dastardly deed? Ah yes, that would be the Tea Party. The even nuttier right wing of the already nutty Republican Party. We might also rather kindly refer to these folks as the shallow end of the American gene pool. John Boehner, who has obstructed almost every single initiative of Obama’s presidency, is not ‘conservative’ enough for the Tea Party. So they are running a candidate against him in the primary, a guy by the name of J.D. Winteregg.
John Boehner is generally regarded as the least impressive Speaker in American history, presiding over the demonstrably least effective Congress in our history. But he has been an absolute gift to cartoonists, comedians and political satirists. Here is all you need to know about John Boehner:
1. His name is pronounced BAY-ner. No, not BO-ner. C’mon you guys!
1b. If “boner” is not a commonly used slang term in your native language, click here.
2. The color of his skin is some inexplicable shade of orange that is not found in nature. Even in winter. He has repeatedly insisted that he does not use tanning equipment or products. Repeatedly. Insisted. Does not. Perhaps it is jaundice? (See #6, below.)
3. He is a fanatical golfer. Which is to say that he plays golf more than he passes laws. Actually, he has probably sunk more holes-in-one than he has passed laws. Will someone fact check that for me? Thanks.
4. He is an unapologetic chain smoker.
5. He cries. Oh, I don’t mean that he sheds an appropriate tear at the most emotional times of his life. No. The man sobs. Frequently. Publicly. So much so that he has been called the Leaker of the House, and the Weeper of the House. Click on the picture of the crying John of Orange for more.
6. And while this is merely my own observation – which may coincidentally be shared by many millions of others – it seems obvious to me that John Boehner is also a raging alcoholic.
Alrighty, let’s bring this baby in for a landing, shall we? Remember Boehner’s primary challenger, J.D. Winteregg? (There’s a link to his campaign website at the end of this post, if we both live that long…) No one on earth, outside of the Winteregg family, ever would have known of this guy. But then he ran this campaign commercial. BOOM! The new shot heard ’round the world. Social media gold.
When The Moment Is Right
“If you have a Boehner lasting more than 23 years, seek immediate medical attention.”
J.D. Winteregg (www.jdwinteregg.com) is an imbecile who would be dangerous if he had access to any amount of power. But then again, so is Boehner – who has done more damage to the American economy and what is left of the middle class than anyone in recent history. America’s politics have gone off the end of the absurdity scale, primarily because the GOP has been dragged over the cliff by the racist ignorami of the Tea Party. This is a virus that will either run its course, or doom this country. In the meantime, we laugh at stupid campaign commercials. Mostly because we are just so sick of all the pharmaceutical ads.
If you are an American and you are not registered to vote, what the fuck are you waiting for? CLICK HERE.
The End (so far)